Did you hate that part of you before someone told you you should?

Its summer and I can feel the sweat trickling down my spine. I hate the way the heat makes me feel. My thighs are rubbing together, making me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. There's a hole where my thighs meet in the biker shorts that I put on under my dresses to try and prevent the chafing of my inner thighs. I guess my thighs were too much for the shorts to handle. The sweat is too much for me to handle. There's sweat in places that only I know exist in this body. I feel sticky as I wipe my hands across the beads of sweat running down across my forehead. It's 102 degrees today and all I can think about is what clothing exists to match this level of suffocation but still allows me to cover up the parts of my body I like to keep a secret. My belly, my thighs, the way they rub together. These body parts of mine all seem extra large in this weather and all the clothing feels impossibly too small. The heat makes me want to shrink. Shrivel up inside of myself like a dried out corn husk. It's unbelievably hot and I tell myself it's okay to wear that crop top but then I find myself wishing it would grow several inches in length to cover my belly that I have been hiding all winter.The heat engulfs me and immediately I'm wishing society wouldn't dictate what a girl can wear during the hottest time of year. As a matter of fact, any time of year really. I feel the underlining need to hide the parts of me that society feels is unacceptable which seems to be every inch of my body. There's fat there, there's stretch marks here. The heat makes me want to walk around naked, forgetting that these stigmas exist but how could I forget? I'm reminded every morning when I get dressed, everytime I open social media, every god forsaken time I have to purchase a bathing suit. Girls can't take up space with their revealing skin. Shrink, shrink, shirnk. It's too hot for social politness. I feel so conflicted in wanting to wear the least amount of clothing so I cant feel it sticking to my body and covering up the parts of me I was taught to be ashamed of. I can feel sweat puddling into my bra and I wonder what it would feel like not to wear one. Freedom. I imagine it feels like freedom but instead my boobs are trapped in a sweat prison dying to be released. I could curl up inside myself thinking of walking around without a bra on. The judgement I would feel would be enough to drown myself in my own sweat. It's so hot that I am gathering zits across my body like wildflowers. The sweat accumulates and the zits are signs of where it sat stagnant. Society says I must cover those up too. It's too hot for makeup, it drips down my face leaving streaks of my real face showing, zits and all. I'm not as ashamed of my zits as I am of my body and I think that speaks volumes. My body takes up space. Zits shrivel up and go away over time but my body wont, it's here to stay. My body shouts "look at me!" and I try with all my might to quiet it's screams with oversized T-Shirts. There's nothing to see here. I'm becoming one with the sweat now. I'm trying to love the skin I'm in more, the stretch marks and curves but the sweat reminds me of all the crevices I have, of all the places that rub together. There has been no point in my life where I have fully loved my body the way it's supposed to be loved, where I have looked in the mirror with joy because this body carries me. It takes up too much space and it sweats profusely in this heat. I say "it" like my body and I are two different vessels. Like I'm seperated and can't be seen with the likes of my skin. I'm covered in cellulite and stretch marks and I don't see a world that would allow me to love this body I reside in. I'm either too fat or too skinny and society won't tell me which one is worse to be. My thighs are rubbing together and there's sweat trickling down my spine and all I can think about is being accepted for the body I reside in. I take up space, I have cellulite and stretch marks because I have lived a wonderful life in this sweat covered body. My body has carried me, loved me when I haven't loved her back. I feel the need to be kinder to this body and maybe I'll start by accepting the sweat that's trying to keep me cool, accepting that my thighs rub together. My body deserves to take up space, to scream "look at me!" because it has won wars and has battle scars to prove it. It has carried me through 102 degree weather regardless of what I wear or what size I fluctuate into for that day. I should love my body for all that it is. Maybe I'll start today maybe just maybe say fuck society and love myself 102 weather, sweat, or not. -M.D.L