Counting Sheep

I am awake,

I just cant sleep. I am too busy counting all the sheep.
I'll sleep when I am dead, that's what is often said,
all the while I'm just here wishing for a bed to safely lay my head.


-M.D.L

Track Marks

The Kiss stain marks he left across my body were minimal damage 
compared to the marks he left strewn across my soul.

-M.D.L

Breakable.

I am so


upset. Upset at the fact that people try to shelter me. That they don't think I can handle pain. I have been in pain most my life, with a smile on my face. It upsets me that when I want to feel pain, when I want to cry and shout and be angry it is not allowed. It is not allowed because for people around me that is not who I am. I am not that girl. I have to be strong and an "adult" but what they don't tell you is that adults cry too, they feel pain too. I just want to break, just once. I want to cry because I have family problems because I have money issues and car issues, but I don't because I am all the powerful there is, all the positive. You are not allowed to be a human if you are always known as happy. The moment you break down no one on the damn planet knows how to take it because they are used to your smile not your tears. Please don,t shelter me, let me cry let me be angry. Please do not mention that there is always the "positive side" because for once I want to feel what its like to be sad, to cry, to break because I am human  too and it is my right just as much as it is yours. Just hold me for a second and sit in silence so I can prove that I am not made out of a happy fairy tale, I am not some princess. I am just as breakable as you are, just because you don't see it doesn't mean I don't break alone in my room in the dark. Just for once world, let me crumble, because often crumbling is necessary for rebuilding.

In a State of Finding Strength

I have 

been thinking a lot lately about strength. What does strength even mean? Well, in the dictionary the definition of strength is "the quality or state of being strong". I always have thought it was funny when the dictionary uses the same exact word to describe a word. Strength basically means strong according to the dictionary, to me that is just silliness. Think about it, Strength. That means a lot more to me than a quality or state of being, it is a way of life. It is a way to say hey, I am here and ready to kick ass. I have decided that strength is your hearts way of saying you cannot give up yet, you cannot let life beat you. I think that is important to remember. I also think that strength can come in forms of weakness. I bet you are thinking I am just as crazy as the dictionary right now, but really how often have you been weak but felt ten times stronger? Strength is weakness and vulnerability. It is opening up and being the raw being that you are. I recently was told that I am a lot more open on my blog, I explained how it is easier to be vulnerable to a piece of paper than an actual human being. A virtual piece of paper cannot judge me, it cannot tell me what I am, who I am, who or what I could be. The statement that I am more open on my blog made me realize something, its okay to be open in other aspects of my life too. Its okay to love and trust with all my heart. It is okay to show that I am just as strong off my blog as I am when I am consumed in it. I think we all are so afraid of getting hurt that we forget that within hurt comes strength. It is important to open your heart and live your life with all your being. Because if you are not living on the edge of your seat you are dying. If you are not loving and embracing the world you are not showing the world around you how great you are, how much strength you actually have. Strength to me is embracing hurt with open arms, it is understanding that in order to know what strength is you must be vulnerable first. You must tear down walls and build up fences instead. Strength to me is a powerful state of being to be in, one I think I will choose more often.

Shine On

You 

Are built from a raging fire. From every past mistake, every lesson learned. You are a solid rock foundation formed from the stones thrown at you from past lovers. You are all the good in the world and all the tides of the sea. You are strong and vulnerable all at the same time. You spew love from you patched up heart and happiness from your old taped up soul.  You soak up love like its all you have ever known and you radiate it just as easily. You lay so much on the table and expect nothing in return. You are a hurricane, a one woman army. You are the seasons and the shedding of all the bad there is in the world like the leaves falling in the fall. You are your first kiss, first heartbreak, and the first words spoken from your lips. You are a shooting star, in a galaxy of rotating planets. You happened on purpose. You are just as necessary as the stars in the sky and just as strong as the chants you whisper to yourself on your bad days. You are all there is to life and love and so much more.  You are a golden ticket found in the rough. This is your life and you are so much more than deserving of it. This is your legacy, make sure you raise hell and love deeply. You only get one shot to be the magnificent being that you are.

Shine bright baby. 

I Enjoy You

Man

whore. That is what he called himself. I saw him differently, I  have since I met him. I always fall for those. Shut off emotionally, jaded men. He told me "I enjoy you" and I never quite knew what he meant. "I enjoy you" I repeated it often to myself when I was alone contemplating what exactly it meant. How many people in my life can "enjoy me"?  How many people can I enjoy? I came to the conclusion that there are a lot of people I enjoyed to be around. You can enjoy anyone cant you? You can enjoy that stranger who tells you they like your red and white sweater. The words made me feel like an option, like its something that is everchanging. There are two definitions to the word "enjoy" one is to take delight or pleasure in an activity or occasion. Was I an activity, an occasional fling? The second definition of the word enjoy is to possess or beneift from. I did not like the thought of being a possession or used to benefit from. I want a relationship that is lit on fire. I want to be more than enjoyed, but often I find myself settling, settling into the new position of an "enjoyment." It wasnt about this single man calling me an enjoyment it was about every man i have ever met calling me an enjoyment/ showing that I was an enjoyment in their own subtle ways. I want to tell you that its important to not settle. You are not an event, a short lived occasion. You are worth your weight in diamonds and anyone who decides to dumb you down, or treat you less than that needs to leave. There is a certain aspect to being valued, to someone telling you, yes I like you. Yes I want to be with you and work on this relationship, yes I want to grow with you. Anyone can enjoy you, but it takes a strong man/woman to open up their heart and like you, to show you what you are worth. Wait for that person, the person who can bring to the table just as much as you can give. People who "enjoy you" are the people who teach you, who make you open your eyes to what you want. They are wonderful stepping stones for your growth but they are not a long term promise. Cherish those who tell you they enjoy you but also realize that you are not allowed to settle for less than great. This is your life and you deserve a love that is ingulfed in fire and passion. Those who give you fire and passion are not those who simply enjoy things they are the ones who wear their hearts on their sleeves and love the moments.