Little Moments

There

Are nights when my apartment is so quiet that I can hear my faucet pattering. I am not sure which faucet, as I have just gotten into bed and my legs ache, oh do they ache from the constant rustling of my day. So, I lay in bed and listen to the faucet slowly dripping and wonder if it's the kitchen sink, bathroom sink, or the bathtub who is the culprit. The point is that my legs ache and I don't care enough about the dripping to stop it.  I listen and almost anticipate when the next drop will hit the cold granite of my sink (I think it's granite). Instead of counting sheep, I count water patters and the seconds between them. The pattering is enterrupted by Jacksens crunching on his dog food and the sound of his collar hitting his bowl. I think its funny that dogs can eat this late, and I also think it's funny that he carries every bite into my bedroom before chewing it as if to tell me he's still here. I wonder if dogs can feel the lonlieness that people radiate.  I wonder if Jacksen knows that this apartment is empty, that it echo's and creaks or that I count the water dripping in between his chomping of food. There is a certain kind of feeling you get whem you are laying in bed contemplating life. There is a separation between you and the world. There is that split second where everything slows down and you can breathe, you can count if you want to. You can sigh your breaths of relaxation and wonder about the little things. As I listen to the pitter patter of my faucet and Jacksen chowing down I realize how much moments like these count. How much the stillness matters. How greatful I am for the little ridiculous moments that make up life.

out with the old, in with the new

People

always tell me that they want the old version of you back.. I dont think they realize that the "old" you is dead and gone. Old versions are called old for a reason; they die off. They become something you cant return to. Maybe you were never the "old" version of yourself. Maybe that was just a shell for this new version of you. You have broken out of that shell now. You are now someone different. SOmeone your parents dont recongize. Someone your siblings are mad at because you were not the example you should have been. Old is comfortable for most people, old is how people reconginze you. I hear stories of you, of how you changed. "She is not the same her, she is desrespectful, crazy, doesnt care about her family". What is the "same" anyways? We all change, moprh into different beings as the world changes us, some changes are good, some terrible. I know people wish for the same "old" you, but I know better.I know that version of you is dead. You died a long time ago when you stopped believing the good in people. When you stopped believing the good in yourself. People change and its not always easy to accept the change. You are not the same "old" you, and I see that. The question is, do you? Do you see what you have become? Do you look in the mirror and still reconginze yourself? Do you care wether you recoginze yourself or not? We are all mourning someone who never was. We are mouring the "old" you. I dont wish for you to come back as the "old" version of yourself because I know that we cannot go backwards. We cannot go back to our childhood and "start over". I dont wish for the old you anymore. I wish for someone much more stronger.

Planting Happy Seeds

Find your roots and plant yourself.

Wrap yourself up in your own vines. Suffocate yourself  with your own sunshine. You are worthy of growth, of blossoming. Find your petals and nuture them, shed your wilting. Let the dead go. This is time for growth. This is your own personal Spring, the time for sunshine is now. Show your pretty face and let the world love you. Dance in the wind, be the care free flower you are. You are worthy of planting. You are worthy of growth so find your roots baby. Find your roots and plant yourself.

-M.D.L

Seeing is Believing

And

That's the thing about you, you say you don't believe in love. That makes you a hiprocrite, you have said I love you a thousand times and you haven't even opened your mouth yet.


-M.D.L

Searching Spaces

I

am 

glad

you 

found 

happiness

in 

someone

else. 

While

you 

were 

searching 

for her....                                                                   I found it in myself. 

T-Shirt Cycles.

There is 

so many people that you have hope in, so many relationships you hope to be "the one". So you wear his T-Shirt to bed and tell him how much you love him in hopes that one day there is more than just that one T-Shirt of his in your drawer; there's many. You hope for children and that white picket fence somewhere in the suburbs that constantly haunts your mind. Then it all comes crashing down around you and the T-Shirt of his you used to wear to bed now has a new owner called your trash can. You are left sobbing heavy sobs of broken heartbreak. Its funny though, how often the love that you thought was love is replacable. You meet someone new and the next thing you know you are wearing his T-Shirt to bed and hoping for the same damn future that haunted you months ago. Love isnt replacable. You are soon to find this out because a T-Shirt for a night gown doesnt equal love. You are becoming the T-Shirt you sleep in, and all the ones resting in peace in your trash can. Often after the men leave you continplate of keeping just one. One T-Shirt, one T-shirt as the last glimmering light of hope to say that sometimes a T-Shirt is just a T-shirt and sleeping alone isn't always so bad. A T-Shirt for a night gown doesnt equal love, and quite often you are better off sleeping naked.

Counting Sheep

I am awake,

I just cant sleep. I am too busy counting all the sheep.
I'll sleep when I am dead, that's what is often said,
all the while I'm just here wishing for a bed to safely lay my head.


-M.D.L