Quitters aren't Choosers

I am 

not a quitter. In saying this I guess I am also stating the fact that I am stubborn, a go getter, hard headed if you will. I have never been one to back down from a fight (mostly mental ones) I have recently piled my plate full. Its toppled high with work and attending two schools at once (online school and EMT training) and family. I told myself that I am young and I can handle it. I got this! I took my first EMT block test and failed with a 64 out of 100. That should have been my first sign, besides the fact that I have bought flash cards for the class and have been to busy with my other class to write down the vocabulary words. I have a hard time studying because I feel like I am always studying; at work, at home,the days I don't have class, on every Sunday. I am young (like stated before but in a different tone)! I want to have fun and it seems like taking two major courses at once is to much for me to do that.  There is so much going on in my life right now and my plate has become part of a balancing act, a rather tough one at that. I decided I had to decide what I want before I burn myself out. I am not a quitter, but I needed to learn how to be a chooser. What do I want? What can I handle to keep doing? I decided I wanted both of them. EMT training and my online school. (I also wanted to keep my job) but what I didn't want is the overwhelming feeling. In result, I became a chooser. I have chose to take a break from online school until I am finished with EMT school and then I will hop right back on online school. They both are major courses that could help my career and they both deserve my undivided attention. What I am trying to say is know how much  you can handle. Know when you are too overwhelmed and do something about it. There are always ways to make your life work but you have to choose the best decisions for you to make yourself happy. Now there are definitely restrictions on my choice. I do not have the choice to take a year off of online school, I do not have the choice to not go back at all. My decision was to stop online school until EMT school is finished and that is the rule. If I was someone who didn't have the responsibility instilled to go right back to school then taking time off wouldn't be a choice for me. That is what life is all about, figuring out your choices and what choices will benefit you the most in the long run or what ones will tear you apart in the long run. I am excited to be able to truly focus on both schools so that I can pass them both with flying colors. I am also excited to not feel so overwhelmed and so worried about what my test results will be in both courses. You have got to keep your mental health to a healthy level or you will suffer. Do not be a quitter but learn how to be a chooser, a chooser of your own life path.

Rough drafts and Candles.

It is

11:06 PM and I am wide awake. Due to the fact that I have the cold/flu that has been going on. I thought to myself what better thing to do than to sit here with my candles flickering and to write a blog post. My room is the definition of peace and tranquility so it is as good of place as any to write on my blog. I have recently been thinking about things, about ex's, new encounters, new friends, old friends, and of course old encounters. My life has been filled with people coming and going. Of people loving me and then changing their minds or loving me and not changing their minds. I have been thinking about how this has made me who I am, how the universe has blessed me with lessons, with love, with kindness. I thought how great is it for once to be alone and not actually feel alone? I used to sit in my room while my boyfriends were busy hanging out with their friends and think about how much I hated sitting here. I hated thinking and reflecting on my life and the person I was because I wasn't happy, I wasn't enough for myself. I had to always be busy. There was no such thing as tranquility in my life at the time. I was not in any way, shape, or form at peace with myself. I don't know why that is, if it was insecurity, past decisions, or past relationships I just felt the way I felt and the way I felt was miserable. I am alone more now than ever, no boyfriend, my best friend is getting married, my siblings are growing up and getting jobs and for some reason something hit me that told me that all this was all okay. That it was okay to be alone because in reality I am never ever really alone. Its okay that life happens, and sometimes it happens without you and you get to sit and marvel about how good it is for others to be happy. How good it is to sit with yourself and just watch. I never wanted anything. I just wanted someone to love me. I came from a shitty past of people not loving me enough, and the biggest part of it was one of those people who was not loving me was myself. I have never told myself that, I always blamed my unfulfilled needs on someone else. Until I started spending more time with myself and realizing what I was doing to me, to my self-esteem. I am so happy with where my life is at now. I am happy to be single, I am happy to be surrounded by good loving people. I am so damn happy that I found my tranquility, that I said enough is enough. Please for your own sake do not forget what it feels like to love yourself. Do not suffer yourself for the sake of others. Be at peace with who you are, be happy with who you are. Your love belongs to you. Think about that, your love is yours to do whatever you please with it. Do not just throw it away. Live in this moment, grab your own tranquility.


( I wrote this a couple weeks ago and never posted it. I kept it as a rough draft for who knows why. I am just going to post it now because I love it.) Stay beautiful my friends!

Jerks and Toxicity

I read

an article today. It was about how to remove yourself from a toxic relationship, whether that be friendship, lover. etc. There are so many articles these days about things like that, how to know when its time to break up, how to know "he's the one", how to know if your compatible. Garbage. Garbage. Garbage! If you have to take a little five question quiz to see if you love someone or should break up with someone then you probably aren't in love and you probably should break up with them. I am being harsh I know. But seriously, do you think a computer screen, made up five question test is going to teach you about love? Some article is going to explain to you why you should leave your boyfriend/girlfriend when the person writing the article knows nothing about your relationship? Here is the key. If you find yourself questioning things then you probably already know the answer. If you have to Google if you should break up with someone then you probably already know you should.  Its just hard. Its hard as hell to walk away but let me tell you something, getting out of an off and on, unstable relationship made me realize something. If you have so much to complain about in your relationship, he doesn't show me affection, I cant trust him, he is never texting me back, he is never calling me, WHY IS HE LIKE THIS! Then its time to put on your big girl panties and walk away. If he is like this, and you choose to stay with him, you choose to put yourself through heartache, confusion, and anxiety then who is really the jerk? You are, NOT HIM. You sure as hell are not being kind to yourself. You aren't doing what you know needs to be done to heal yourself, to make yourself happy out of fear. Fear you'll miss him, fear because you love and care for him. Is that fear going to be any worse than what you are going through right now? Probably not. Staying with someone who doesn't fit you doesn't make that person the Jerk. It makes you a jerk because you are willing to do it. You are willing to sacrifice your self worth, your self love for someone who cannot meet your needs as a human being. You are the one being an asshole, a jerk because you are not realizing the harm you are causing to yourself, letting someone cause harm to you. That is not fair. If you are willing to put yourself through pain, you should ask yourself what made me think this is okay? Why am I sacrificing my needs? Its not about the other person not texting back, not showing affection, ITS ABOUT YOU! Its about you letting that happen to yourself. You have choices, He/she sure is hell isn't making you stay SO WHY ARE YOU? Your job is to love yourself and you have to decide what that means, what choices you have to make to do that. STOP BEING A JERK TO YOURSELF and putting up with people who make you feel bad! The only way to be happy is if you put yourself and your needs first, so do it. Putting yourself first doesn't make you mean, it makes you SMART!  Eliminate the toxic people in your life, you do not need them, toxicity isn't love.

Birthdays for Angels

Today 

is my grandmas birthday. Except my grandma isn't here celebrating it with us, shes celebrating it with angels. (if angels even celebrate birthdays). I am sure they do and I am sure she is doing the "put the lime in the coconut dance, we used to do in the kitchens at family parties in a line, with all her angel friends on top of the clouds. Two days ago was my birthday, and on the day before my birthday I went to visit my grandma. I had to because I was turning 21 and I had some questions to ask her. I wasn't ready to be turning 21 without her here. I sat by her grave and I talked to her. I asked her so many things and I cried. I sat there and cried because I wished so much that she was there to respond, but it was sunny outside in the month of February and the sun warmed up my back. I took that as a sign that everything was going to be okay, that turning 21 might not be that hard. Today is a happy day because it is her birthday, but there are clouds in the sky and its hard because she isn't here to hug and laugh with us. Her being gone never gets easier. She was our angel on earth and now shes our angel in the sky. I am scared about how fast time is going and how long she has been gone, it feels like we lost her yesterday. My cousins are growing up without her here, I am growing up with out her here and that makes things hard. I know shes watching us, noticing how wonderful we are becoming but its hard not to be able to hug her or hear her laugh. Its hard to not miss her, to not think about her everyday. I wonder what she would say if she were here, I wonder what kind of party we would be having and if she would lie about how old she was and laugh her warm laugh. My birthday was hard without her, and her birthday is even harder without her here. My Facebook news feed is filled with my family members posting pictures of her and all of us, smiling and laughing together,to telling her happy birthday. Its good to see her face covering my computer screen, its good to see how happy we all made her. Its good to see her smile. I know in my heart that she is having a wonderful birthday in heaven. The hardest part is just for those of us who are down here, we miss you. I love you so much and I miss you grandma! I hope your birthday is going fantastic! Thanks for always watching over me.

Popping Xanax??!

My 

damn heart... I have been having this feeling since last Wednesday that my heart is going to jump out of my chest. Do you know that feeling when your about to do something scary? Like go into a haunted house or ride a roller coaster, that's how my heart feels constantly. It has felt that way for a week, A WEEK!! I once wrote on here a story about an anxiety attack I had in my work parking lot,and how I called my dad crying. Its like that feeling all over again but more permanent. I have tried yoga, working out, everything to get it to go away but it has been sticking to me. I called my grandma to ask her what doctor she went to so that if it didn't stop I could go see someone. My grandma was concerned and told me to go to Instacare instead. I went last night, I sat in the tiniest room for a little over an hour, staring at the white ceiling and listening to the three year old in the room next to mine cry. The nurse told me all my vital signs were normal and I just wanted to shout at her, WHATS WRONG WITH ME THEN??!! The doctor finally came into the tiny room, with her grey hair and tired eyes and told me that I was suffering from a severe anxiety attack. She handed me a bright red paper with a prescription for  a knock of brand of Xanax. She said once the prescription ran out  I would have to go to my primary doctor and get evaluated for anxiety and be put on medicine I can take daily that is less addictive. Then they grey hair, tired doctor sent me on my way. I never wanted to be on medication for my anxiety. I always thought it was something I could take care of and handle on my own. I thought I could conquer my anxiety and not let it eat me up inside, but I didn't realize how hard of a task that actually is. I felt defeated in a way, that I let my anxiety get this bad, what happened? Why cant I control it? Am I crazy? I am terrified to take my newly found way to cope with something that I have lived with for a long time.  I thought I was stronger and that is the worst part to me...but that is the thing, does getting help really make you weak? What if being on medication will help me? What if I will be in a better mood, less controlling over every aspect of my life? There are things you can live with, and things you cant, and suffering from anxiety is something that is very hard to live with. The grey haired doctor told me that sometimes severe anxiety attacks often feel like the same symptoms of a heart attack! Shame on me for getting help for that. If there is one thing I learned last night from sitting in that tiny room talking to a woman in a white lab coat is  that its okay to ask for help, even if it scares you to do so. I am worried that the medication will change me and I hope it doesn't because I like who I am. I am willing to try though because that's all I can do. I am ready to be better now. Do not ever think of getting help as being defeated, you are stronger than you think and braver than you know. Somethings are just stepping stones towards bettering your future, towards bettering yourself and the person you want to be. You will be okay.

You Can Have My Heart

You're

chaos was rooted into your bones and poured out of your soul like fire.
I cannot contain you, for you are your own flame and you have set my heart ablaze.
 Here I am melting from my very core while you're growing stronger.
Oh the things I'll sacrifice for love. <3

Dessert Pizza and Happiness

The other night

four girls devoured a whole dessert pizza to themselves in less than five minutes. I was included in that four, because the other three were some of my roommates. Today we are hiking Logan Canyon, to see a pretty view we found on Instagram. When I first walked through the house I live in I was so nervous. I didn't think I could live with five other girls, because I never really had friends that were girls in the first place. My palms were sweaty and I wondered the whole time if I could do it, If I could get along with all of them. If I would fit in. I have grown to love my roommates more than anything. I love that I always have someone there, we support each other, and give each other advice. I have learned so much from living with all of them. I have learned that I am not the only woman in the world who doesn't know how to cook. I have learned that sometimes its okay to eat your feelings, that drinking tea at all hours, all day everyday is socially acceptable. That women do support each other and have each others backs. I have learned that men suck and I am not the only one who has problems with them. That its okay to binge watch a television show on weekdays and even on weekends. Most of all I have learned what it feels like to have genuine friends, to live life, and to have fun. I remember how nervous I felt the first few weeks. I stayed in my room and I felt like I would never fit in. I made myself feel little because I was so afraid of what they would think of me. Then we all started to grow closer, I started coming out of my room. Now I don't know how I would feel not living with them! I would be lost. I think I definitely chose the right roommates to live with, or maybe they chose me. They have helped me grow, have taught me my worth. Have taught me about team work and talking things out. When I tell people I live with five girls they look at me like I am crazy. In return I look at them like they will never understand what dance parties are like,  what it means to have someone to lean on when your sad, what it means to play twister in your living room (and have enough people to do it), what it means to cook dinner together, to laugh until your cheeks hurt, and to binge watch television shows together. Having roommates for me has been the best adventure of my life. I have met some of the greatest, strongest girls. I have met some true friends who I know will always have my back, even if I forget to wash my dishes sometimes, or clean the bathroom on my turn. We aren't just roommates we are good friends. Thank you girls for teaching me that not all girls are mean and that I can have a good time. My heart is forever full. You guys are awesome and I love you!