Heart Shaped Stickers

There is a shop down the street from me that repairs broken hearts and shattered dreams. A little old man runs it and provides hugs for 50 cents. He wears khaki pants and a smile as people past him and his shop. He once told me that I'm shattered, sad, and broken but that he could fix me. He told me that I am the reason love and pain are both four letter words. He told me I was born from pain and ran over by love, but he the master, he had this handled. He put red heart shaped stickers all over my chest and told me that it would make me feel whole again. He was right, it did but after a couple weeks the stickers started to curl around the edges and fall off onto the ground. Shattering all my hopes and dreams of being whole again. The little old man in khakis told me that in order to fix what was shattered I had to remember what loss was like. He said to me "you have to find the love within the loss and pain. You have to remember that the things, the people you cherish, they change. I did not fix you because you were already whole. You are half pain and half love and that is true for all magical things. You just needed some more hearts to cherish to remind you of this. If you wish to feel more whole, share more love, the devastation, the pain of heartbreak does not matter because the feelings of joy that love brings you is everlasting. There are many more heart shaped stickers in the world to love, I hope you find them. -M.D.L

The darkness within

There is a place in my soul where the light never touches. It's dark and chaotic. There is fog there that lingers and settles at the bottom. I like to think the dark sits by my tailbone, waiting to creep up. I operate from this dark place sometimes. It feels less like me and more like someone else running my body. I am rugged and ruthless, sad and broken. I am my own abuser. I lead with the worst of me when this dark place becomes my beaconing center. I feel death and loneliness like we have always been best friends, holding hands and skipping through this life as one. It's dark here in this part of my soul and I drown in it, overcome with nothing but angst. My life becomes someone else's to live and I want so bad to not be a part of it any longer. I wish to melt into the darkness and let it take me. The other part of my soul lives here in this body of mine too, the light part. It barges in with flashlights on ready to take away the dark, ready to be a shining beacon of hope. It sits in my chest and resides there. Its a savior full of perseverance and optimism for the fate of the future me. It's unwilling to let the dark succumb, unwilling to give up. I'm terrified for the day that it does. The day where the light in me dies, the flashlights are turned off and there is no more saving. What will I become when there is no light left in me? When there's no more saving my soul that I can muster? I get close to seeing the lights turned off, the batteries are dying and the flashlights must be shaken to turn back on. Flickering, flickering. I get close to wanting it all to end. I stand at the edge of my darkness and think about diving in. There is always a piece of me though, the light within me that refuses to burn out, to fade. This is what I fight for who I fight for, I beg for the light in the middle of my own personal darkness. I pray that there will always be the piece of me that thinks I am worth saving, the piece that has the light turned on. I pray that I always believe that I am worth more than my darkness. I pray that there is always a glimmer of light left to fight. I find both terror and contentment in knowing there is no light here, without the darkness. -MDL.

I asked God

I asked God why he is taking you he said he couldn't say, all he knew was you are too sick to stay. I asked God why he's taking you, he said he knew you were special since you were a little boy, that you brought so many people in your life so much joy. I asked God why you had to go, he told me that it was time that the pain you are feeling is a crime. I asked God why you have to go, he told me that you deserved much more, that he wanted you in heaven, to go and explore. I asked God what to do now that you are not here, he told me that you are, that I hold you very near. I asked God what is plan is for you, he told me its much bigger than this life, that you will be able to build blanket forts without much strife. I asked God what his plan is for you, he told me that its grand, that you have more meant for you than this life had planned. I asked God these questions because I miss you so. Deep down I wish you did not have to go. I know its time for you, you have to leave. God is calling your name, and pulling on your sleeve. I look up to you and all that you did achieve. I am so thankful that you were here, that I got to call you grandpa, that I got to hold you near. Thank you for being my hero and teaching me so many things. Im so happy for all the memories and joy that thinking of you brings. I will miss you each and every day. You were a great man in every single way. I hope you Rest In Peace until I see you again, yours truly, your best friend. -MDL

An Anthem, A hallelujah song

He thinks that he deserves an anthem, a hallelujah song while he touches women in ways that he thought others couldn't. He deserves options and women to claw at his hardened heart in heat. A woman who gets down on her knees and proves her worthiness to him. A woman taken for granted, wanting, ready, waiting. A woman blinded by heavy breathing and tangled up sheets; wrapped around legs that are wrapped around each other. A woman who obeys and pleases, never says no. He thinks he deserves more than he is worth of. A prize, all access to sweet insides and nights spent moaning. He thinks he deserves one night stands filled with one hello and one goodbye. Meetings in the back of the car that leave windows foggy and her gone by the ending. Less talking, more doing. He thinks he deserves these moments where she lets him deep inside her only sacred space. He is not worthy. He is not worthy of spaces that feel the most. The parts of her body that are most vulnerable. He is not worthy of legs spread open, waiting, wanting. He is not worthy of her on her back while he does what he pleases. Not worthy of moaning, tangled up sheets with no sunrise spent together promised. He will not buy her flowers, leave her cute notes, or kiss her cheek when she is feeling down. He will not stay forever or stay until they grow old together. He has nothing to give for an all access VIP pass. He has nothing to give her for the sacrifice of her sacred place. He has nothing to giver her yet he deserves an anthem, a hallelujah song for what? This is not solely a mans job, dedicated to those who have a penis. He deserves nothing for he is not worthy. He has nothing more to offer than she can already give. She deserves an anthem, a hallelujah song.

Phoenix rising

They spit fire at us with gasoline surrounding our feet. Trying to light us up and burn us to the ground. Don't speak like that, dont stand up for yourself like that, dont wear that they say with hatred in their eyes and cold breezes running through their hearts. You asked for it they tell the girl who was raped while wearing a full body suit. It was in your eyes they say. Somewhere along this path we become the weak ones, the ones asking for hatred, to be scarred and broken form within. Women are dying everywhere but they are still alive, dying on the inside, shattered and damaged. We shout for justice with lungs that only produce a whisper. When will they hear us? When will our small roars be loud enough? We shout in the faces of men who created similar sins so they could care less. Our voices are silenced but our hearts are not. This world was built by hands of monsters who take what wasn't given to them and run free. Women all over the world are tired of feeling oppressed we seek liberation, finally its not from the heart of a man, as men are the oppressors. We seek liberation for what men define us as because we didn't ask for it. We will speak like that, we will stand up for our-self just like that, and we will wear whatever the hell we want because hatred was the fire we were built upon and it stopped burning long ago. -M.D.L

Self care

Don’t go thirsty trying to water a plant that’s already dead. -M.D.L

Shards and pieces

Being broken is hard, but tell me how many times have you chosen to be broken over being whole? You can’t complain about the hole you dug and stuck youself in simply because someone else handed you a shovel-M.D.L