Here's to broken hearts and other broken things

You

stayed broken

for a really long time.

I often asked myself

what kind of love was the

love that broke you.

Then I realized...

it wasn't love at all.

Do you realize that?

Think about how often

we all let people in who 

are supposed to love us but

don't...

How long must you suffer for

what she did to you darling?

How long must you let 

destruction win?

Love doesn't hurt you....

People do. 

-M.D.L 

Drowning

When

You feel yourself drowning always remember that someone out there lives in a deeper ocean than you do.

M.D.L

Evolution

I feel 

dead. Dead inside, outside all around dead. I haven't written something for weeks, the words do not come to me anymore and I feel hollow. I feel like a carved out pumpkin with all my insides lying on the table. Life is a roller coaster of stress which I think stops me from thinking rationally. Stops me from thinking of the things I am feeling, therefore I cant write. It scares me because it all used to come so easily, from deep down in my soul then it just stopped. I have been questioning myself and the type of human I am, the type of human I want to be. What kind of life do I want? I have taken solitude outside of writing. I now find it in blades of grass and dirty feet. I have learned how relaxing it is to take my shoes off and walk in circles in the grass in my front yard. I am sure my neighbors think I am crazy but I find solitude there, peace there. Some days I feel like I cannot breathe and air wont come to me. Like a fish outside of water. I feel suffocated, drowning. I think I am evolving and I am not sure exactly what that means but I feel it. I feel like half my present self, and half someone I used to be. I hope you can relate to me when I say that... and if you cant that is fine too. People say we all grow, we all change but I think the truth is we evolve because its a slow painful process where you feel stuck and not stuck all at the same time. I am a wanderer who is just trying to find my place in the world. Trying to find somewhere good to plant myself. I have come to discover many things, such as how loneliness doesn't always equal sadness and how not washing my hair is no longer important. I am learning that this life is about making myself happy and making others happy in the process of that. I am learning how important it is to get down deep into my own soul and process things, even if it is painful and scary. I am sorry I do not write lately. I am sorry that I cant explain to you why either, because I am not so sure. I want to feel again, to not feel hollow but I think you have to go through the process first, you have to go where the wind takes you and right now, for me its right here right now in this moment. I hope you let yourself evolve, that you let yourself shed your skin and step into the light of who you really are deep deep down beneath the surface. I am off soul searching and so far I have discovered the importance of blades of grass, dirty feet, and evolving into your own true self and for me, in this moment that is what matters.

Rain Dance

You

entered into my life like a rainstorm, first silent and then loud.
Your heartbeat became my rhythm and your body became my rain dance.
You became a storm I soaked myself in.
Standing in my sun felt more like a drought than a reward, I was prepared to drown in you.

-M.D.L

Don't Play With Your Food

I handed 

you my heart on a silver platter and watched it burst into flames.
To think that all this time you said you didn't play games.
You lit my heart ablaze, with one single match and whispered in
my ear,
"silly girl, this is why you dont get too attached."

-M.D.L

Penciling in Love

Who says

that we can plan love. I dislike those people who go around saying that "it just wasn't the right timing', "I cannot commit to you in this time of my life" or "I am just not ready". When do you ever have time to prepare for love? When was it a scheduled event that you pencil into your calendar and tell yourself that "by this date, I will love you, I will commit." Screw that and all the cop out excuses. Tell me the real reason. Tell me that you are hurting that you are scared, that the last relationship you were in tore you to pieces and left you crumbled. Tell me the damn truth because I deserve that dont I? Speaking of deserving, dont you dare tell me what I deserve. "You deserve more than I can give you" I know what I deserve and its my choice on if I find it or if I settle. It is not your decision to tell me what I deserve. Are you telling me this to make yourself feel better, to make yourself feel like you are doing the right thing? STOP. stop planning, stop justifying. because whether its today, tomorrow or two years from now, whether its with me or someone else, you will fall in love, many times or maybe just once. You will meet someone and you will like them more than you expected and you will have to decide. Are you going to be a coward? Are you going to run, because if you do there is no turning back. You walk out that door and you sever ties. You say things like "it just isn't the right time" "I cant give you what you deserve" "I am trying to find myself" and its over. Just like that. Pain comes with love and if you expect that your cop out excuses will save you, you are dead wrong.  I see right through you. It hurts letting go just as much as it does falling and you are lucky enough if you are able to do it, if you are able to stop the morning texts, the late night conversations, the laughs. Man up, love does not come easy and if you think you are going to schedule it for when "the timing is right", think again. If you walk away you are a coward. A coward for not trying, for not facing the chance of pain dead in the eyes and taking a chance. I was worth it, the chance of love is always worth it. You have survived pain before, you can survive anything you just have to have the guts to jump in and  face it. If you dont, your cop out excuses will not save you. This one, this loss, is on you darling. 

Little Moments

There

Are nights when my apartment is so quiet that I can hear my faucet pattering. I am not sure which faucet, as I have just gotten into bed and my legs ache, oh do they ache from the constant rustling of my day. So, I lay in bed and listen to the faucet slowly dripping and wonder if it's the kitchen sink, bathroom sink, or the bathtub who is the culprit. The point is that my legs ache and I don't care enough about the dripping to stop it.  I listen and almost anticipate when the next drop will hit the cold granite of my sink (I think it's granite). Instead of counting sheep, I count water patters and the seconds between them. The pattering is enterrupted by Jacksens crunching on his dog food and the sound of his collar hitting his bowl. I think its funny that dogs can eat this late, and I also think it's funny that he carries every bite into my bedroom before chewing it as if to tell me he's still here. I wonder if dogs can feel the lonlieness that people radiate.  I wonder if Jacksen knows that this apartment is empty, that it echo's and creaks or that I count the water dripping in between his chomping of food. There is a certain kind of feeling you get whem you are laying in bed contemplating life. There is a separation between you and the world. There is that split second where everything slows down and you can breathe, you can count if you want to. You can sigh your breaths of relaxation and wonder about the little things. As I listen to the pitter patter of my faucet and Jacksen chowing down I realize how much moments like these count. How much the stillness matters. How greatful I am for the little ridiculous moments that make up life.