In a State of Finding Strength

I have 

been thinking a lot lately about strength. What does strength even mean? Well, in the dictionary the definition of strength is "the quality or state of being strong". I always have thought it was funny when the dictionary uses the same exact word to describe a word. Strength basically means strong according to the dictionary, to me that is just silliness. Think about it, Strength. That means a lot more to me than a quality or state of being, it is a way of life. It is a way to say hey, I am here and ready to kick ass. I have decided that strength is your hearts way of saying you cannot give up yet, you cannot let life beat you. I think that is important to remember. I also think that strength can come in forms of weakness. I bet you are thinking I am just as crazy as the dictionary right now, but really how often have you been weak but felt ten times stronger? Strength is weakness and vulnerability. It is opening up and being the raw being that you are. I recently was told that I am a lot more open on my blog, I explained how it is easier to be vulnerable to a piece of paper than an actual human being. A virtual piece of paper cannot judge me, it cannot tell me what I am, who I am, who or what I could be. The statement that I am more open on my blog made me realize something, its okay to be open in other aspects of my life too. Its okay to love and trust with all my heart. It is okay to show that I am just as strong off my blog as I am when I am consumed in it. I think we all are so afraid of getting hurt that we forget that within hurt comes strength. It is important to open your heart and live your life with all your being. Because if you are not living on the edge of your seat you are dying. If you are not loving and embracing the world you are not showing the world around you how great you are, how much strength you actually have. Strength to me is embracing hurt with open arms, it is understanding that in order to know what strength is you must be vulnerable first. You must tear down walls and build up fences instead. Strength to me is a powerful state of being to be in, one I think I will choose more often.

Shine On

You 

Are built from a raging fire. From every past mistake, every lesson learned. You are a solid rock foundation formed from the stones thrown at you from past lovers. You are all the good in the world and all the tides of the sea. You are strong and vulnerable all at the same time. You spew love from you patched up heart and happiness from your old taped up soul.  You soak up love like its all you have ever known and you radiate it just as easily. You lay so much on the table and expect nothing in return. You are a hurricane, a one woman army. You are the seasons and the shedding of all the bad there is in the world like the leaves falling in the fall. You are your first kiss, first heartbreak, and the first words spoken from your lips. You are a shooting star, in a galaxy of rotating planets. You happened on purpose. You are just as necessary as the stars in the sky and just as strong as the chants you whisper to yourself on your bad days. You are all there is to life and love and so much more.  You are a golden ticket found in the rough. This is your life and you are so much more than deserving of it. This is your legacy, make sure you raise hell and love deeply. You only get one shot to be the magnificent being that you are.

Shine bright baby. 

I Enjoy You

Man

whore. That is what he called himself. I saw him differently, I  have since I met him. I always fall for those. Shut off emotionally, jaded men. He told me "I enjoy you" and I never quite knew what he meant. "I enjoy you" I repeated it often to myself when I was alone contemplating what exactly it meant. How many people in my life can "enjoy me"?  How many people can I enjoy? I came to the conclusion that there are a lot of people I enjoyed to be around. You can enjoy anyone cant you? You can enjoy that stranger who tells you they like your red and white sweater. The words made me feel like an option, like its something that is everchanging. There are two definitions to the word "enjoy" one is to take delight or pleasure in an activity or occasion. Was I an activity, an occasional fling? The second definition of the word enjoy is to possess or beneift from. I did not like the thought of being a possession or used to benefit from. I want a relationship that is lit on fire. I want to be more than enjoyed, but often I find myself settling, settling into the new position of an "enjoyment." It wasnt about this single man calling me an enjoyment it was about every man i have ever met calling me an enjoyment/ showing that I was an enjoyment in their own subtle ways. I want to tell you that its important to not settle. You are not an event, a short lived occasion. You are worth your weight in diamonds and anyone who decides to dumb you down, or treat you less than that needs to leave. There is a certain aspect to being valued, to someone telling you, yes I like you. Yes I want to be with you and work on this relationship, yes I want to grow with you. Anyone can enjoy you, but it takes a strong man/woman to open up their heart and like you, to show you what you are worth. Wait for that person, the person who can bring to the table just as much as you can give. People who "enjoy you" are the people who teach you, who make you open your eyes to what you want. They are wonderful stepping stones for your growth but they are not a long term promise. Cherish those who tell you they enjoy you but also realize that you are not allowed to settle for less than great. This is your life and you deserve a love that is ingulfed in fire and passion. Those who give you fire and passion are not those who simply enjoy things they are the ones who wear their hearts on their sleeves and love the moments.

I am Her.

In

many circumstances I am a warrior. I will not bow down and I will fight for what I think I deserve. I am made up of stardust and little broken pieces of other peoples hearts. I am as necessary as my morning coffee cup and the way my hair falls across my shoulders. I am my mothers daughter and I have my fathers hands and feet. I am growing and learning and striving to the be the best me I can be. I am all my mistakes and all my lessons learned. I am one night stands and one night for keeps. I am the way my fingers spill out words onto a blank cyber page, even though sometimes they spill out nothing. I am the way my head tilts back every time I laugh. I am a student, CNA, EMT, poet, book reader, receptionist, inventory control clerk, sales woman,story writer, and newspaper delivery woman. I am every good choice I have ever made and every night I spent in tears over the bad ones. I am a survivor of abuse and give ten times more love because of it. I am not scared, I am a head held high and a walk full of pride. I am the girl with big boobs and an even bigger heart. I am a traveler, hippie, sibling, star gazer, camper, hiker, and a lousy cook. I am a dress wearer despite the seasons. I hate jeans and I love cold pizza. I am always a smile and a raspy voice saying "hello its nice to meet you" I am someones friend somewhere, and someones worst nightmare somewhere else. I am all things me.
I am Meaghan.
and I am her.

The Red Lipstick Crusade

She

wore red lipstick like a smudge on a canvas. She wasn't ordinary, she was something to stare at. Something to marvel in. He got lost in her eyes, it was a Tuesday when they met, a Tuesday filled with smudged red lipstick and mascara wearing deep blue eyes. It got to the point where he couldn't find himself. He was engulfed in this girl, the one who wore red lipstick, talked about the stars and walked around the streets barefoot. He was in love. Her smile, that danced across her lips every time he would say her name, that is what made his love worth it. The way she carried herself from the living room couch to the bedroom, with purpose and stride. She wasn't a mistake. She was perfectly made, perfectly tied in a bow of happiness. How can you excuse a love like that? A love so much on fire that people across the isle in the supermarket could see it radiating with heat. Seeing her red lipstick meet his cheek like it was meant to land there proved that love was very much real and very much alive. She loved him like it was the only job she had, a job she took on with pride and purpose. Love from the lipstick wearing girl wasn't forced, wasn't made up, and flowed out of her heart like it was easy.
Can red lipstick do all that?
She finds herself wearing it more, just in case its the last sealing testament of their love.
oh what we will do to keep certain feelings alive.

I Believe in Sprinklers

God...

I have been alone for quite awhile haven't I? I guess you can't count that one night stand and the time I asked someone to come over just to hold me, but we have those moments moments of complete and utter aloneness. I was walking my dog tonight and realized how much I could breathe.. How I didn't have to worry about anyone and their shit or shitty excuses. it was just me and my dog and then the church sprinklers turned on soaking us both and I laughed until I cried because it's little things. Its not so much about some one to hold me... Its about being able to laugh on your own, at yourself in the middle of a funny moment. I realized after that moment, after screaming and running soaking wet that I have the power to make myself happy I can laugh and it feels pretty fucking good. It feels good not to miss someone. Not to wonder constantly what they are doing. It feels good to let go. I never thought that would be something I could say. I thought I would search for love forever. I want to thank you for letting go of me, for hurting me so bad, for teaching me that I will never find love in the arms of someone else, but in my own arms. I am a fucking warrior princess and I have finally saved myself. I am alive, the most alive I have ever been. When love is hard for you to find, open your own heart, look in the mirror and arise to the task of loving yourself because if you don't got you, who do you got? Laugh, smile, breakdown, have one night stands, call someone to hold you, run through the sprinklers this is what finding yourself looks like. Embrace everything but whatever you do, don't look back, this is growing there is no room for past mistakes. Go get em tiger!

"Watch it Wiggle, See it Jiggle"

I feel like Jello.


That's right, jello. I have learned to morph around the things that surround my life. Around people, around situations. I am gooey, wiggly, sticky jello. I have learned to be strong, but easy to swallow. You never know what you are capable of, what you can withstand until you try it. Jello doesn't need to be chewed, it stays in its form and finds a way to slither down your throat. Jello can withstand your swallowing without having to be broken down into small little pieces. I can withstand a breakup, a new job, a new apartment. I can morph. I can do anything I set my mind too. I come and I conquer and I leave with all my pieces. But how long can I do that? We all know that once Jello hits your stomach it dissolves and it disappears into a big pile of water and sugar. How long will I be like jello in its mixed, ready to go form? How bad will it hurt when I dissolve? When I am broken down into my purest form? Should I be scared? Would it be such a bad thing to finally break wide open like a stitched up cut? I think dissolving isn't such a bad thing, Jello dissolves to please. I have this persona about myself, I stand so strong, so willing to fight, to morph around the obstacles in my life. So well put together, like Jello. I am a mold,standing tall in the aspect of my life. I want to be able to break, to say hey, that actually bugs me, or hey I am allowed to cry too. I am allowed to dissolve and melt as long as I want. I want to allow myself to make mistakes, allow myself to show people that I am not just a mold. I too want to let loose, I too want to find my freedom and my place in this world. I want to find love and let it in instead of putting up this wall of steel. I feel like Jello, but even Jello is allowed to change, to dissolve, to let itself break down, to sometimes be a little weak.