I Enjoy You

Man

whore. That is what he called himself. I saw him differently, I  have since I met him. I always fall for those. Shut off emotionally, jaded men. He told me "I enjoy you" and I never quite knew what he meant. "I enjoy you" I repeated it often to myself when I was alone contemplating what exactly it meant. How many people in my life can "enjoy me"?  How many people can I enjoy? I came to the conclusion that there are a lot of people I enjoyed to be around. You can enjoy anyone cant you? You can enjoy that stranger who tells you they like your red and white sweater. The words made me feel like an option, like its something that is everchanging. There are two definitions to the word "enjoy" one is to take delight or pleasure in an activity or occasion. Was I an activity, an occasional fling? The second definition of the word enjoy is to possess or beneift from. I did not like the thought of being a possession or used to benefit from. I want a relationship that is lit on fire. I want to be more than enjoyed, but often I find myself settling, settling into the new position of an "enjoyment." It wasnt about this single man calling me an enjoyment it was about every man i have ever met calling me an enjoyment/ showing that I was an enjoyment in their own subtle ways. I want to tell you that its important to not settle. You are not an event, a short lived occasion. You are worth your weight in diamonds and anyone who decides to dumb you down, or treat you less than that needs to leave. There is a certain aspect to being valued, to someone telling you, yes I like you. Yes I want to be with you and work on this relationship, yes I want to grow with you. Anyone can enjoy you, but it takes a strong man/woman to open up their heart and like you, to show you what you are worth. Wait for that person, the person who can bring to the table just as much as you can give. People who "enjoy you" are the people who teach you, who make you open your eyes to what you want. They are wonderful stepping stones for your growth but they are not a long term promise. Cherish those who tell you they enjoy you but also realize that you are not allowed to settle for less than great. This is your life and you deserve a love that is ingulfed in fire and passion. Those who give you fire and passion are not those who simply enjoy things they are the ones who wear their hearts on their sleeves and love the moments.

I am Her.

In

many circumstances I am a warrior. I will not bow down and I will fight for what I think I deserve. I am made up of stardust and little broken pieces of other peoples hearts. I am as necessary as my morning coffee cup and the way my hair falls across my shoulders. I am my mothers daughter and I have my fathers hands and feet. I am growing and learning and striving to the be the best me I can be. I am all my mistakes and all my lessons learned. I am one night stands and one night for keeps. I am the way my fingers spill out words onto a blank cyber page, even though sometimes they spill out nothing. I am the way my head tilts back every time I laugh. I am a student, CNA, EMT, poet, book reader, receptionist, inventory control clerk, sales woman,story writer, and newspaper delivery woman. I am every good choice I have ever made and every night I spent in tears over the bad ones. I am a survivor of abuse and give ten times more love because of it. I am not scared, I am a head held high and a walk full of pride. I am the girl with big boobs and an even bigger heart. I am a traveler, hippie, sibling, star gazer, camper, hiker, and a lousy cook. I am a dress wearer despite the seasons. I hate jeans and I love cold pizza. I am always a smile and a raspy voice saying "hello its nice to meet you" I am someones friend somewhere, and someones worst nightmare somewhere else. I am all things me.
I am Meaghan.
and I am her.

The Red Lipstick Crusade

She

wore red lipstick like a smudge on a canvas. She wasn't ordinary, she was something to stare at. Something to marvel in. He got lost in her eyes, it was a Tuesday when they met, a Tuesday filled with smudged red lipstick and mascara wearing deep blue eyes. It got to the point where he couldn't find himself. He was engulfed in this girl, the one who wore red lipstick, talked about the stars and walked around the streets barefoot. He was in love. Her smile, that danced across her lips every time he would say her name, that is what made his love worth it. The way she carried herself from the living room couch to the bedroom, with purpose and stride. She wasn't a mistake. She was perfectly made, perfectly tied in a bow of happiness. How can you excuse a love like that? A love so much on fire that people across the isle in the supermarket could see it radiating with heat. Seeing her red lipstick meet his cheek like it was meant to land there proved that love was very much real and very much alive. She loved him like it was the only job she had, a job she took on with pride and purpose. Love from the lipstick wearing girl wasn't forced, wasn't made up, and flowed out of her heart like it was easy.
Can red lipstick do all that?
She finds herself wearing it more, just in case its the last sealing testament of their love.
oh what we will do to keep certain feelings alive.

I Believe in Sprinklers

God...

I have been alone for quite awhile haven't I? I guess you can't count that one night stand and the time I asked someone to come over just to hold me, but we have those moments moments of complete and utter aloneness. I was walking my dog tonight and realized how much I could breathe.. How I didn't have to worry about anyone and their shit or shitty excuses. it was just me and my dog and then the church sprinklers turned on soaking us both and I laughed until I cried because it's little things. Its not so much about some one to hold me... Its about being able to laugh on your own, at yourself in the middle of a funny moment. I realized after that moment, after screaming and running soaking wet that I have the power to make myself happy I can laugh and it feels pretty fucking good. It feels good not to miss someone. Not to wonder constantly what they are doing. It feels good to let go. I never thought that would be something I could say. I thought I would search for love forever. I want to thank you for letting go of me, for hurting me so bad, for teaching me that I will never find love in the arms of someone else, but in my own arms. I am a fucking warrior princess and I have finally saved myself. I am alive, the most alive I have ever been. When love is hard for you to find, open your own heart, look in the mirror and arise to the task of loving yourself because if you don't got you, who do you got? Laugh, smile, breakdown, have one night stands, call someone to hold you, run through the sprinklers this is what finding yourself looks like. Embrace everything but whatever you do, don't look back, this is growing there is no room for past mistakes. Go get em tiger!

"Watch it Wiggle, See it Jiggle"

I feel like Jello.


That's right, jello. I have learned to morph around the things that surround my life. Around people, around situations. I am gooey, wiggly, sticky jello. I have learned to be strong, but easy to swallow. You never know what you are capable of, what you can withstand until you try it. Jello doesn't need to be chewed, it stays in its form and finds a way to slither down your throat. Jello can withstand your swallowing without having to be broken down into small little pieces. I can withstand a breakup, a new job, a new apartment. I can morph. I can do anything I set my mind too. I come and I conquer and I leave with all my pieces. But how long can I do that? We all know that once Jello hits your stomach it dissolves and it disappears into a big pile of water and sugar. How long will I be like jello in its mixed, ready to go form? How bad will it hurt when I dissolve? When I am broken down into my purest form? Should I be scared? Would it be such a bad thing to finally break wide open like a stitched up cut? I think dissolving isn't such a bad thing, Jello dissolves to please. I have this persona about myself, I stand so strong, so willing to fight, to morph around the obstacles in my life. So well put together, like Jello. I am a mold,standing tall in the aspect of my life. I want to be able to break, to say hey, that actually bugs me, or hey I am allowed to cry too. I am allowed to dissolve and melt as long as I want. I want to allow myself to make mistakes, allow myself to show people that I am not just a mold. I too want to let loose, I too want to find my freedom and my place in this world. I want to find love and let it in instead of putting up this wall of steel. I feel like Jello, but even Jello is allowed to change, to dissolve, to let itself break down, to sometimes be a little weak.

Remember What You Got

I think

we all forget how much there is to live for. While your over there complaining that you don't make enough money, someone is starving and just had their power shut off. While you complain that you didn't get a close enough parking spot someone else has to walk to and from work everyday because they cant afford a car. I am sorry if you take offense to this but this generation is weak. This generation is built off of feeling sorry for ourselves when things don't quite work out. Its built off of complaining about every bad thing that happens to us from the moment we wake up until we go to sleep at night. We forget that there is still good, we forget about the little things that can bring joy to our lives because we are so busy complaining about the bad. I am sick of freaking listening to it to be honest... Yes it sucks you have to be on probation, but you made the choices that led you there. Yes it sucks that your boyfriend broke up with you but maybe it wasn't meant to be and there is someone better out there for you. While you got the news that your cell phone was shut off, someone else got the news that they have cancer. It could always be worse, yes it could always be better too, but it can always be worse. Stop complaining about the little petty things that happen to you, are they fixable? Will they eventually go away? Yes. Some other peoples issues are ten times worse than yours. Think about that for a second.. 52% of Utahns are homeless, 41% of them are families and 1 out of 50 of them are school aged children. In 2015, an estimated 1,658,370 new cases of cancer will be diagnosed in the U.S. and 589,430 people will die from the disease. In 2009 a rape was reported every 9.5 hours in Utah. Salt Lake City has one of the highest average rape rates in the state at 93 per 100,000.  How big does your problems feel now? I have my down days but I always try to remember these things, I always try to remember how insignificantly small my problems are compared to others around the world. Most of my problems will go away, will fade, unlike the side effects of rape, cancer, or sleeping on the streets. It is hard for me to be proud of the generation I live in, the generation that takes pride in selfie sticks and Facebook posts. The generation who forgets how special it is to pay for the car behind you in the drive through. The generation who doesn't understand that there are bigger issues than it being a Monday or your phone breaking. Take a look around you, open your eyes and see that you are not the only one struggling, you are not the only one with problems and your problems often do not even compare to someone else's. Be humble, be helping, remember when you're in the middle of complaining about that speeding ticket or your computer not working that these things are fixable, small issues compared to that stranger you saw sleeping in a card board box, wondering when they will get their next meal. Talk about the positive things and embrace life! Stop focusing on how stressed you are and remember how blessed you are! <3

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Hey Mr Heart Throb

His

kiss shattered my heart like glass, falling to my living room floor, how good it felt to be broken. This was a different kind of broken, the magnificent kind. I never wanted to be put back together, I wanted my heart to stay there, at his feet in a thousand different pieces. He was worth breaking for, he was my new found heart throb. When he kissed me I felt it inside my bones, they rattled under my skin threatening to jump out and into his arms. This could be it I told myself, I could get lost here in his soul quenching eyes and his breath taking kiss. This moment, in my living room with him, this could be my new destruction and oh how deeply I love to be destroyed, getting torn apart in the arms of my heart throb.