Dancing In Rain Storms.

I feel like...

It's raining on my head, yet I'm inside. There's this little cloud that is following me around and just drenching me. It sucks. It's a feeling of depression, sadness, anger. Yes the cloud thing was metephorical if you weren't following me correctly. Lets not get this confused. I have learned that people rarely stay in my life for long periods of time. If they do, then the are something special or a family member. So it doesnt suprise me that someone close to me is drifting away. I feel like he's pulling the "it isnt you its me card". (once agian dont use this on people, it doesnt work) Which really sucks since it probably really is me and he's being sensitve. I have never understood that. Why sugar coat or wrap your words up with sensitvity when someone is already hurting. Just lay it to me straight. Like your typing a letter of all things that are completely honest. If you dont love me fine. I'll love myself. If I'm to honest, fine it wasnt meant to be. I am like a lion or a wild river, I can be calm as can be when I am asleep, but wake me up and I am the most passionate, driven person there is. If I want something I will fight for it until I get it, but I wont pretend to be something I'm not. I'll look like a lion/ river and act like one asleep, alive, or dead. At the end of the day I'm still just what I am, there's no covering it up. I am exsposed to everyone, everything. Maybe that's why when something hurts,it hurts like hell. Because I wasnt pretending ever. I am who I am, uncovered, unveiled, vunerable or whatever you'd want to call it. I mean what I say because I think you should mean it. You cant take back words after you say them but you can look back and remember that you were never lying or hiding even if it did hurt someone at some point. Even if you were vunerable. I dont get when people say "I'm just not an emotional person", how could you not be? This is your life, its right here, the person you love is being pushed away and you feel no emotion towards that? I call bull crap. How can you not be passionate about your own life, how can you not know what it feels like to be angry, to cry, to be happy? The truth is you do know what it feels like your just to damn scared to show people that. Why? Because if you did, you would be a human. You would be breakable,scared. All I can say is I'm glad I am emotional. I will show that to people because if I get hurt, if my heart gets broken at least I can say I know how to feel. I know how to fight. If I can feel pain that means I can feel happiness too. That means that I'm still breathing. Why are people such cowards? Why cant they just fight for what they want or let it go and be honest about the whole situation? Stop worrying about how you make others feel. This is your life, and if your not an "emotional person" then thats just a damn shame. You wont ever know how much you could grow from a heartbreak, you dont know how it feels to look someone in the eye and tell them how much you love them and mean it. You are not living. Your just a body walking around without its soul. Please just step up and uncover yourself, stop letting your pride get in the way. Be passionate about something, someone because if your not sooner or later that person or thing will be gone. If they break your heart remember how good it felt to be with them and forgive and open up to someone else. You have to take the good with the bad and learn how to dance in rainstorm. Because even the rain has its beautiful moments. Dont let someone slip away because your to afraid to show something to say something... stand up and be a lion.

In all that is in favor of Honesty.

First of all....

I'm going to start off with being blunt. Can you handle that? If not then you should probably exit out of this page and go back to serfing the web for pictures of cute kittens or whatever it is that suits your style. I started writing this stupid blog page when my best friend told me how cool it is to have a blog. She lied. No one ever reads these things. If they do its probably your mom or your twice removed grandma on your dads side. Then they tell you how "creative" you are. Its all wishywash bullcrap to make you feel better inside. If it works for you great, start a blog. To be honest I probably wont read it but I guess I could try since your obviously reading mine. The thing that I do have to say  Obviously it doesnt matter who reads it. Look at me a million posts later and I'm still typing away.  I just cant seem to help myself. That sounds stupid. I cant help myself? Because its that easy for me to find time to write my life story on here. BAHAHA thats funny. I take that back. I CAN help myself. I actually like it despite who reads it. Its my heart spilled out onto a electronic peice of paper. I fantsy that kinda thing. Listen to me ramble like always. I bet this is so exicting for you to have to sit through. (not) Personally I dont care what you think. Thats the beauty of this stupid, time consuming, hobby of mine. I dont care who reads it, who likes it, who doesn't. Its a secret greedy passion of my very own. Dont like that? Like I said move on over to the kitty pictures and go on about your day. Fun fact about Meaghan number one: I have always loved writing. Since I first discovered I could. Weather I'm good doesnt really matter. I have written several poems and dairy entrees since I was in middle school. I even wrote a book once. (I'm not trying to brag) Was it a good one? Hell if I know. My family seemed to think so but they always have some biased veiw on how "special" their daughter or family member is. PUKE. I hate that. Why we are on the subject, why cant people just be real and come out and say things? I'm not about to tell someone they should go try to become a professional singer if they sound like a animal that got ran over by a semi truck in the middle of a snow storm. I just wont lower myself to that. Back to the point, I dont seem to care how awful you think my blogs are. Its my way of thinking put into words for all to read. You dont like me fine, but you have read almost half of my post by now so you might as well read on to the next line. Get some laughter out of it, I dont care. Even Funner fact about Meaghan numer two: I dont give two cows butts what you think of me. You dont have to live my life so dont bother telling me how I should go about doing it. I will type whatever whenever I want on my blog. You having to suffer through it and read it is your choice. What I'm saying here is do what you love. Regardless if you suck or not. This isnt my carreer or my whole life its just a little part of me. What I like to do. Think I am lame? Go eat some wierd grape you found off the ground and tell me how much more interesting that was. Like stated in section three or four, I DONT CARE. Ill keep writing weather someones here to read or not. For those of you who do read, Thanks. For those of you who dont, go to the top of this paragraph, read it exit the page and do as instructed. Do your hobby and have fun with it. :) weather it being blogging, sky diving, snowboarding, or playing with yugio cards for all I care. If it makes you happy, you jump up for joy after then by golly knock yourself out. The end. Rant over. Feel free to take it as is.

Wishes Kept In a Jar.

And then it was just me....

Yep. Once again I'm single. No more Pine View boy... I am not creating this blog post to cry over it or say how much I hate him. Because I dont. I still love him. I believe I always will and that's fine. I am just learning how to cope without him. I have always had a problem with being alone. I hate it. The funny thing is I never realized that it's because I cant stand to be with myself. I am so used to focusing on other people so I have never looked at me. I haven't been happy with who I am. Just happy with how others can make me feel. Pine View boy had my heart, he had so much of it that when we split up he took all of it. I feel empty. Like a pumpkin you carve out at Halloween and its left with just it's walls. Like that pumpkin I have a happy face and I'm standing but still I am left hollow.  I know I will be fine, like they say time heals all wounds. I have also decided that dating isnt an option for me anymore. I want to be happy with who I am, in my own skin first. To do that I will have to face myself head on. I need to take time to realize that I am good enough to not need anyone. I hope all of you realize how wonderful you are. I also hope you realize that if someone loves you, trully loves you they will fight for you. If by chance they give up, or you become an option realize that it wasnt meant to be. You will be wounded, but you'll get through it. No one needs someone who doesn't need them. Be wise enough to realize that. I am now dedicatiing all my time to my job and the people in my life that I know aren't going anywhere anytime soon. I feel like I will survive just like I always have, broken or not. All I hope for is happiness for him and I. I hope everyday he wakes up remebering what it feels like to fall asleep with me next to him. I hope he misses me for a split second, then I hope he gets over it. I hope he understands. If he moves on I wouldn't be mad, I'd expect it. You can only do what you have too. You also cant help who you fall in love with. I am a lover. I give people my everything, all that I have. I think that's why I have lost faith in humanity.  How could you give someone everything, then know what it feels like to be hurt, but yet you'd hurt someone the same way someone hurt you. Its awful. I am not blaming him for our breakup it was both of us. I am just wishing people could work things out. That they could try harder to stay in love with people. I wish it would've worked out. I wish a lot of things. Here I am though, just me. Left with my wishes kept in a jar, somewhere deep inside. I will stay as strong as possible and I'll move on eventually... I'll be here healing.

Life Attacks Me Once Again.

Oh please just help me...

Today has been hard. In all aspects, my life has been hard. Heres the run down, I got a job about a week ago at a vitamin company being a receptionist, I sit on my butt all day and have to intertain myself by reading or searching the web. Easy enough huh? The thing is, its so easy its boring. I am the type of person who needs to be on her feet, stressing out all day. That's my kind of fun. Well I have spent months looking for a Dental Assisting job, before finding this job just so that I could do that. This job popped up, I was desperate and grabbed it by the horns before it could run away. That of course being said, I have been sitting here all day doing my thing, never leaving this desk. When I got a phone call. Guess who it was. Of course it was a dental office who was interested in hiring me. Yep. Kill me now. Just tell me about how bad that sucks. This is the sort of timing that makes me want to call my mom, ask her if I could live with her in my grandmas basement for the rest of my life, and she could even tuck me in every night. I hate making life choices such as this one. It would make me feel bad to quit, but would I be happier? Pros and Cons, Pros and Cons. Its like a war between what you think would be the right desision and what wouldn't. Its always been hard to make a choice for me. I just dont understand why I think some things lead me to certain places in life and then when I feel like I am where I should be something changes. I dont feel happy. This isn't what I wanted for myself. I was supposed to get out of High School, head to College, then I would finish my degree as a doctor, live in some huge hous,e have four kids and a perfect husband. That's not what has happened at all. My life is no fairy tale. Not even close to one. Things don't end up how you want them do they? There is no "planning" because something could happen in a blink that would change everything. I'm frusterated. Tired of planning my life when fate will plan the complete opposite for me instead. I give up. Whoever or whatever is controlling my life wins. I can't ever win so I'll let them choose the ropes. I am strong. The only problem with being strong is that when your weak, man are you weak. You feel mad because your no longer that person who can controll everything. Your not that person who can hold your head high. You feel like your being challenged, like your playing a game that you cant win. My adivce, dont give in. If you do you'll be wishing twenty years from now that you didnt. I may be down today, but tomorrow I will have a desision to make that can change my life. I will be okay. I cant always be strong but I cant always be weak either. I am only human. Just remember your only human too. Take life as it comes. See you later for now.

Cups Of Coffee And Faith

Im awake I swear.....

I suck at being a morning person. I have never been able to totally wake up in the mornings. The result to this is tons of coffee. I just cant function without it half the time. Its my sweet little addiction. Have you ever had one of those? Just that one thing you can't see your day being grand without? I have now been committing my time to two jobs. I am at work 24/7. So I am tired, worn out even. Yes, I'm racking in the dough but I am sacrficing a lot to do so. Now I am getting to the whole point of this post. When does making a  sacrfice become to much? When do you give up and say enough is enough? Do you ever get too exhausted, too tired of doing the same old thing? Today is probably that day for me. I am on the verge of wanting to quit. To just stop committing myself to things that make me a better person. The thing is though, I wont. I'm to strong for that and I know it. It would mean letting myself down. Your mind is a powerful thing that way. Even when your body is tired, your mind will urge you on. Telling you not to quit. I believe it's the faith you have in something that makes it so hard to give up. Its your faith in that certain person being there for you always, faith in your job promoting you someday, faith in your legs letting you run just two miles more. If you had nothing to believe in, to hope for, you'd end up a waste of space. Now when I say faith most people think of church or there being a higher being you believe exsists. I'm talking about much more than that. I'm talking about believing in yourself. Believing that you are strong and you can do anything. Weather your tired or not. If you don't believe in yourself, or have faith in everything you do, then what do you have? Nothing. You have nothing at all. Faith comes first to those who beleive that they can rise above anything. That they are strong and noble. The last thing you should ever give up on is you, because you are stuck with yourself forever. There is no escaping you. The bottom line is you just should never stop loving yourself or lose faith in what you have the power to accomplish. You have to realize how great you are, because if you dont then who will? Sometimes I frusterate myself, and feel like there is tons I could do to improve. Starting with kicking my coffee addiction, but I know if I want to I'm strong enough to do that. I wont get mad at myself I will just try harder. Support yourself in all that you do, and have faith. Put your mind into everything you do and remember that your the one person you cant get rid of, so love yourself first.

 

Love, Stress, and Happiness.

Here we go again....

Once again I'm having issues finding time to type my heart out on this blog. Let alone a computer to  type it on. Trust me I have a lot I'd like to share with you if only the means to do so. Recently, I've found myself stuck in a rut. A rut full of moving, job searching, laziness and motivation. The only thing that I know is constant as of now is the man who stands behind me every day. Yep, that's right Pine View boy is still here. Thank goodness for that. I cant seem to find a balance lately. Have you ever felt like that? Like your frazzled. There's twenty thousand things you have planned for your life and they are all stuck in the same exact spot in your brain. Lets just say things come out jumbled. I'm like that crayon box you dig through when you cant seem to decide what color you want for your next extravagant piece of art work. The advice I have to give to myself and to everyone else reading this that feels the same way is, patience. The one virtue that I am very much so lacking in. See, Pine View boy seems to have this down to a T.. He's always telling me "some day" when I ask him crazy questions about our house, or the white and black spotted puppy we are going to have. He reminds me of that word patience, that if you don't take it slow, you'll miss it. All of it. You have to live your life based on what is happening to you right now, at this very exact stinking moment. I understand if this moment isn't your greatest and you'd rather focus on the future because its easier. Trust me, I'm right there with you holding a banner that says run this way for the white picket fence and the dog in the yard. My advice although, is don't. It might not seem like it now, but these hard times are your glory days. The struggle is what will make you stronger. You can't just ignore whats going on at this moment and replace it for something futuristic. What if today was you last day? The last day for that hug from that special someone. The last day to be dancing in the rain. The last day for everything? I bet if it was you'd regret spending it talking about that house your going to have. Live for now, for the good things, there's a little bit of wonderful in everything that is awful. Find it. Search for the good in that rain storm, the good in saying goodbye, or even the good in job searching. Don't let certain moments pass you by because your to busy worrying about what is ahead, or you just might miss your whole darn life. That would be a shame. So, keep your head held high as always, smile and take it one step at a time. As for now and always I'll be here, typing you words of wisdom. Its your choice to take it as it is or not at all. Oh and special thanks to Pine View boy for the idea for this blog post and also for letting me use his computer to type it on up. If your reading, I love you :). Ta Ta for now folks.

Feelings beyond words

Finding Love and Happiness.

Its been a while since I have committed myself to my blog world, I have had so much going on. For that I am sorry, but I am now writing once again so here we go. Through out my life I have been hurt by a lot of men. Every boyfriend I thought I loved sucked. They were the kind of relationships that ended with my head shoved into a Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream bowl, and any movie on that could make me cry until I couldn't anymore. See back then I thought that meant true love, if your heart literally broke when he left you it must be love. That was until it started happening with every relationship I had ever been in, they all ended the same. Then I changed my mind. From then on out love just simply didn't exist. I started dating someone and stayed in that relationship just to say I was in one. I wasn't truly happy because in my world being happy would mean love, and if i remembered correctly that sorta thing didn't exist. Then I met him... this guy who took my breath away and swept me off my feet. That sounds cliche and all but its damn close to the truth. He had my heart the moment I saw him sitting on Pine view's beach with his toes in the water. We were friends at first, and then he made me believe in love. I fell, and boy did I fall hard. I don't know if it was the late night  texting conversations or that he is as ticklish as I am. He changed how I feel about love, he smiles at me and that's all it takes. I never knew I could care about someone so much. To be honest it is scary, but its the feeling you get on a roller coaster kind of scary, your so scared but yet you'd do anything to ride again because it makes you feel good. He's my best friend, I can tell him anything and everything and at the end of the day he will still be there holding my hand, and that right there is love within itself. I have never felt the feelings I feel when I'm with him with anyone else, and that's the kind of feeling I'd fight for. I guess what I'm saying is you should give love a chance if you feel it. Don't let a person who makes you feel so alive go. They could be everything you've ever wanted. No matter how hard the situation is or what you'll have to go through to keep that person, keep them. You wont find love in a Ben and Jerry's Ice cream container, hell you probably wont find yours on Pine view's beach either, but that's not the point. No matter where you find love, weather it's in the strangest of places or a cousin of a friend, keep it. You'll be the happiest person alive once you find it. I love my relationship now. Not because I can say I have one, or show him off to my friends and family, but because we are truly in love. At the end of the day he loves me for me, and that's the kind of person I want to spend forever with, he's my one worth fighting for, and someday, I swear I'll marry that boy. Find the person you can be you around and that can bring you nothing but pure happiness and love.